Dumb Stupid Code

Last week I finally knuckled down and wrote a great post about our location with pictures and everything. Took over an hour to get all the anchor tags set up right. Then, just before I posted it, the code somehow screwed up so none of the images would should (they were working fine before)and I didn't have the heart to invest all that time in re-doing it. I'll try to re-release it in some packages over the next few days. As my mother says--computers do not save you time.

Photoshop fun or "fun"

We had decided from the beginning that we weren't hiring a special "wedding" photographer or ordering "albums." or any kind of bs like that. We are hiring a professional photographer or perhaps an experienced student at an art school--largely so we'll have someone using professional quality equipment. But contrary to almost every piece of advice out there it will most certainly NOT be someone who specializes in weddings because a) we don't want to pay what those kind of photographers usually charge and b) I don't want to deal with their potential attitude.

Advice says not to hire someone who doesn't specialize in weddings because they "won't know how to shoot a wedding." But what if the "right" way to shoot a wedding isn't how I want my pictures done? I want someone who is open and flexible, who will do things the way --I-- want them done, not be stuck on following some externally determined formula.

Anyway, the plan was to have them shoot direct to digital, put the pictures on a cd and then I would do all the editing work myself in photoshop. I've done some basic work with photoshop before but recently I've started studying it intensely because I intend to use it to build graphics for my business websites. I've been watching the tutorial from Lynda.com on it (which is pretty good except that the teacher over-emphesies obvious points and is obsessed with "non destructive editing"). It suddenly occurred to me that this would come in handy for fixing up the photos from our celebration as well. Tonight, I watched part of the tutorial where they talked about who you could take several images of a group of people (like those standard wedding family portraits perhaps?) and merge them together to get the best image of each person. What do you know? You learn something new every day.

My bouquet

I'm not really in to the whole floral arrangement thing. Sure flowers are pretty but most of the floral arrangments these days look so FAKE. Plus, that's a lot of money for something that's just going to wilt anyway. Since we're planning to have the celebration in a garden (woopse, haven't talked about that yet)we'll have more than enough LIVE flowers. I don't really think we need to hire a florist. The only flowers we really need are a bouquet for me so I have something to carry and throw--though I suppose I could have always made a non-perishable something for that purpose. Anyway, I don't have to worry about that because, last summer I caught the bouquet at my cousin's wedding. It was a very emotionally charged moment and, of course, I saved the bouquet for superstious reasons. It dried pretty nicely so I figure I can use it as a base to build my own. If this thing really does happen, I see it as a sign that there was good luck in that bouqet and pass it on to the next person. Since it's shriveled up now it's pretty small so I'll probably get some more dried flowers to fill it out, add some glitter or rhinestones to make it shinny, and put fresh ribbon on it. It think it will look pretty and, anyway, it will have a very sentimental value to it.

Back on Track

So, my partner is never up about talking about planning...or much of anything else for that matter. He's super busy all the time and has an overly active mind so it's hard for him to focus on a conversation. So, a little while ago, he ordered this puzzle ball type thing. It's a clear ball with a track inside, kind of like a 3-D marble maze and you have to try to get mini ball to the end of the track by turning and tilting the large ball. He just bought it because he thought it was cool but, when it arrived Wednesday night, we discovered it had a wonderful use: trying to guide the ball through the maze keeps his mind occupied so he can focus to talk to me.

So we finally started having an in depth talk about plans. He said he wanted to draw up a concrete calender for everything, which is a good sign. Also, he wanted to have the celebration on the previous weekend rather than on our anniversary itself. The idea of having it on a different day makes me sad--plus the space would cost $3,000 more. But I told him I'd think about it if we could take that week off work and go on vacation to be sure that we were still doing something special and romantic on our actual anniversary. The important thing is that we're communicating again now and, hopefully, plans will move forward better.

I stand alone, no one's by my side...

We aren't having any kind of a "wedding" party or anything like that. It will be us two and us two alone walking down the aisle and standing at the altar, or whatever it is we have up front. For him, he simply has no one who he would want to be beside him at a moment like this--except me--because, as I've said, he doesn't like getting close to people. I supposed he might always find a special friend in the year and a half that's left. If he does, that's fine but that friend won't have a girl to escort because, for me, it's a little more complicated. In college, I had the most wonderful friend in the world. We were each other's perfect soulmate in almost every way then, about four years ago,when we graduated and moved to separate cities, the strain of separation caused us to have a horrible falling out and we haven't spoken since. More precicsly, she said she never wanted to speak to me again and I haven't pushed the issue, hoping that, by giving her space, she might have a chance to step back and rethink things. I do plan to invite her. Perhaps that will open a road to healing. But I can't count on that.

When I lost her I decided, if I ever did get married (or had my cheap equivalent because I was already kind of too old at that point) I would walk and stand alone to show I am always alone now. This is a big sacrifice for me because having girl moments with my female friends is something that I treasure and happens very rarely. I have a few friends now who I know would be happy to be "bridesmaids" for me and would show me a great time beforehand. There was a period where I almost though I would ask them to. Then I had horrible nightmares and felt really guilty about it. No one can take her place at my side to symbolize to everyone, including myself, that no one can take her place in my heart.

I know some couples will dedicate their ceremony to the memory of a deceased relative, like a grandparent. So, in the same way, I will dedicate mine to her. I'd like to read a short passage expressing what I feel about her. It comes from the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked which I think has a beautiful message about friendship.

I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
and we are lead to those
who help us most to grow
if we let them and we help them in return
Well i dont know if i believe that's true
But i know i'm who i am today
because i knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if i've been changed for the better
but, because i knew you
I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air i ask forgiveness
for the things i've done you blame me for
But then i guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more

It well may be
that we will never meet again in this lifetime
so let me say before we part
so much of me is made from what i learned from you
You'll be with me
like a hand print on my heart
Now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
by being my friend

Like a ship blown from it's mooring
by a wind off the sea
like a seed dropped by a sky bird
in a distant wood
Who can say if i've been changed for the better?
But because i knew you
I have been changed for good.

The First Dance

This may be the most important moment of the entire day for me--Okay tied with the moment when he lifts my veil and kisses me at the end of the ceremony. I've been a dancer since I was six years old and so dance is a big part of my life and has deep emotional resonances for me (in case you hadn't figured that out yet). I also think partner dance is extremely romantic, looking into each other's eyes, moving as one, communicating without words. It's really the closest you can get to having sex in public, you're so physically and spiritually connected.

Neither of us every had the slightest doubt about what we would have for our first dance song. If you had asked us a month after we met (two months max) we would have answered without hesitation: "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica. If you've read this far, the themes in the song should be familiar by now: us as different and outcasts, being ourselves despite disapproval from others but also being emotionally cautious and guarded and learning to trust each other.

There's a third theme here as well. Even though we're different from everyone else, we're also very different from each other. Our values can be exactly opposite at times. Our first conversation was us getting in a fight (during dinner on the way to the D&D game). We often say that we are each other's cross to bear because we have to deal with learning to exist in harmony with someone who is so different. But, in the end, we love each other and nothing else matters.

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

It's a beautiful song to dance to as well. Lots of slow parts and opportunities for big dramatic moves. I want to choreograph something fancy, with a dip and maybe even a lift. A couple years ago we took a bunch of dance lessons from a local teachers who said we were some of his favorite students and invited us to come back any time so, maybe, we'll set up some private lessons with him to give us ideas. He knows all different kinds of dance and is good at teaching fancy moves--he taught us to do swing throws in, maybe, twenty minutes so it should go well.

More on dancing with parents

He says he also wants to dance with his mother. I don't know if he's locked down a song yet but last time I asked he was leaning towards "Luck be a Lady" from Guys and Dolls (sorry, no link because all the versions I could find on YouTube were really bad)because he and his mom are both really into musical theater and they bonded when he was in high school by both working for the theater department. I think it's a really cool song so I hope he sticks with that choice.

I'd love to have a special dance with my mom too but, especially these days, she's not much of a dancer and I think it would make her uncomfortable to be the focus of attention like that. So, instead, I'll make an announcement before opening the dance floor to everyone and dedicate the first song of the night to her: Bon Jovi's "It's my life.". She loves the song and was the one who introduced it to me. These days, I've come to think of it as her theme song because it express how strong she is, how much she's willing to fight for what she wants. So, I'll recognize her and then she can dance or not without having to worry about everyone staring at her.

I would like to recognize my brother too but, since he's the one who got me in to Metal (back when I was three years old), the whole evening is a tribute to him in a way so I'll let that one slide.

Next up: the most important dance of the night.